How am I throwing in the towel?
I’ve decided to write a blog.
I may be reconsidering the reality of what I want out of people. Maybe.
I don’t assume the you care about my thoughts. But if you are reading this then you might.
Things you can count on in my blog:
I won’t embarrass myself by sounding literary, profound, or perceptive.
When I write it’s cause I have a lot on my mind.
Comments are appreciated, even if I don’t know you, or barely knew you a long time ago.
I just graduated from college and I am spending the summer in my hometown of Houston before I leave to go to Spain for 9 months. The problem is, all my home friends are spending their summers elsewhere. So my social life has taken a nosedive. I also found it hard to find a job, especially since Northwestern graduates in late June, about 2 months after the rest of most Texas schools. I finally found a job that I hate but need the money so badly that I am sticking to it, even though it pays less than any job I’ve had in the past 3 years. Enough complaining.
The upside is that in the absence of friends I am actually making an effort in building a relationship with my mother. She has always been a given in my life and I hadn’t realized till a few weeks ago that our relationship could grow just like any other if I put time into it. When a friend wants to talk to me I put everything aside to enjoy the conversation and I have begun to do the same with my mother.
I sustain long amounts of time without having to pull apart the assumptions that I live by every day. And then something happens and for a few days or longer, I’m in mental turmoil, trying to reassemble the pieces that once formed my presuppositions.
It’s really frustrating when it happens but it’s a great feeling to confirm that you’re human. How could you not live your life periodically or incessantly doubting what you had assumed was true? Some of the people I know who push away their emotions seem like they are denying their own humanity. We want to think rationally and make rational decisions because somewhere or another emotion became poor judgment. And maybe it is. But if you think about how many major decisions people make out of love or greed it’s silly to ignore that regardless of our intentions, our emotions and passions are a driving force. They can lead us into bad decisions, sure, but where is the glory in denying the need that consumes you? Better to follow your heart (or some other part) than to live in repression.
I wish I was forced to confront my beliefs more often. It’s so uncomfortable when it happens yet very fulfilling. I will give you an example of this in my next entry.