My neuroses

I’m very uncomfortable with uncertainty.  And I’ve got a lot of it.

So it makes sense that I’m anxious and have an unsettled feeling in my stomach, but all this uncertainty was completely unexpected.

I thought you were supposed to figure out what you wanted in life during college and go from there.  Well I did all that but I the thoughts I’ve been having lately remind me of my junior year in high school: What do I want to be when I grow up?

One good unexpected thought is that it’s much more interesting to be many things when I grow up–an option that’s never really presented to you as a kid.  That makes it a lot easier to say, “Ok, I’ll take this job.”  Because it’s probably not my “perfect” job, but it doesn’t matter since over the course of my life I’ll have lots of imperfect jobs.  Having an imperfect job used to sound absolutely horrific but now it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.  As long as I enjoy my job more than I don’t, it’s more important that I have the right people in my life. And if I ever do find that perfect job, better to spend my life building up to it than get it over with now.

The only thing I worry about is that I really do want to do casting at some point and I hope that the career choices I make now don’t prevent me from being able to do that in the future.  Just gotta trust in myself to get it done, I suppose.

I guess the rest of my life will be like this.  Keyword: TRUST.  I know that in 20 years I’ll look back and wish I could have told myself to take a chill pill.  I can’t think of any major decision I’ve ever made that I regret, so why don’t I trust myself to continue doing the same?  I better get used to the lack of direction I feel cause it’s here to stay…forever.

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