the best year of my life?

While brushing my teeth today, the following thought popped into my head: “This past year was the best year of my life.”



Now, I KNOW I was depressed for several months, but I don’t remember that.  What I remember is all the great people I met, the beautiful places I went, and the growing I did.  I think I came out of the year being more comfortable with myself. It’s not like I was self-conscious or lacking in confidence before, but this is the first time in my life that I’ve been doing something that wasn’t decided for me since the minute I was born.  When you’re doing your own thing and supporting yourself, I suppose conformity matters less.

I can’t even give concrete examples of how I’ve changed–I can’t think of anything I do differently now.  But I do feel like I’ve got my eyes on the prize.  In college I was dead-set on doing this or that, but I obviously wasn’t going about doing it, cause I couldn’t.  And now that I actually have to find a way to make things happen, and I’m doing them on my own, I feel like I’ve moved forward and Ariela the “student” is now a thing of the past.

That’s why it was weird for me to be at Oxford. Everyone there had a structured life: studying, reading, writing, rowing, going to this event or to that party.  And I associate that type of life with my past.  It obviously isn’t the past for thousands of people…I’m starting to believe that all my friends will hold more advanced degrees than I do…but it is the past for me, and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m excited to move forward into the unknown.

There are some moments when I have big-picture clarity of my life.  I am able to isolate what’s important and forget about the trivial things that hold me back.  But just as quickly as those moments come, I get sucked right back into the passions that render me near-sighted.  I just have to trust myself to remember what I want and make it happen for myself.


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