Dear Ariela

Every Cosmo issue has a page where men advise women on what’s going on in their relationships.

I don’t know if GQ does this, so I thought I’d return the favor.

Today I’m going to talk about friends with benefits.

This term has become sort of passé, so instead, just think of it as repeatedly hooking up with a friend without being in a relationship with her.

I can’t speak for ALL women and I can’t speak for ALL men, but I think what I have to say addresses about 90% of the situations.

When she tells you that she’s not interested in anything serious and is “just having fun” just like you are, it’s a lie.

She says it because she believes it at the time and wants to believe that she’s strong enough to stay unattached, but several hook-ups into it, she’s wanting more.  She doesn’t want you to get with other girls, she wants you to do nice things for her, and she’s starting to worry if she’s calling too often and she doesn’t like that she has to worry about that.  And if she could get all these things without calling you her boyfriend, she’d be happy.  But it’s pretty hard to ask for them from a “friend.”

Just like you, she likes being single.  She doesn’t want to be tied down when she’s so young.  But then she finds herself liking you more and more and she’s obviously attracted to you…and suddenly it seems worth it to her to be tied down if it means getting what she really wants from you.

So don’t be surprised when the sweet deal you thought you had for yourself hits a roadblock.

Here are some questions you can ask her before you get started to assess the successfulness of the situation:

  1. Have you done this (successfully) before?
  2. Why do you want to do this with me?

The answer to #1 should be ‘yes’ and the answer to #2 should be ‘because I’m horny.’  If she wants to do it because she likes hanging out with you, watch out!  She WILL like you!

And while guys can like a girl and not want a relationship with her, that is almost never the case with a girl who is hooking up with a guy she likes.  A part of her will fantasize about the two of you being in a relationship, and the more you hook up, the more she’ll want that fantasy to be a reality.

So make sure she has her eyes on some other guy, otherwise you’re going to break her heart and be surprised when it happens.


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