Dear Ariela: hitting on girls

This is the second edition of my advice column for heterosexual men.

As I’m getting older, I find myself or my friends getting hit on at bars.  And some men are much better at it than others. This is for those of you who need some help.

There are 4 steps to hitting on a girl:

  1. making the selection
  2. the approach
  3. the conversation
  4. outcome

I have very little advice for #1.  Just go for whoever draws your interest. Do NOT walk into a bar with the goal of hitting on someone. It means you’re more interested in the game than the person, and when that’s the case, no one wins. Picking up a girl should be organic.

For #2, the simpler the better. Just introduce yourself.  If you’re a stranger and you come talk to me, I already know you’re attracted to me and that’s flattering in and of itself, so there’s no reason to get creative with lines.  Maybe some girls would disagree with me.  When guys are ironic about hitting on you it can be endearing, but it also shows that they are compensating for being uncomfortable. Plus, if someone is being clever, it puts me on the spot to be clever back…and I usually can’t be when I’ve just met you. So you’ve actually lowered my self-confidence when I find myself unable to match your witty lines.

However, one exception to this rule is if you can think of a way to make fun of a girl without being mean. For example, if you notice that I hold my drink funny, am not enjoying being hit on by someone else, or have moved on to my 4th Diet Coke with lime, giving me a hard time about it is a good icebreaker.  Plus, I’ll be flattered that you’ve noticed something about me AND you’re being funny at the same time. But don’t be mean!  So many guys try to flirt with you by being mean, but it’s much more of a turn-on if you’re funny without being mean.

#3…this is where we both decide if the other person is worth talking to.  A conversation can be really good without there being any chemistry.  Don’t think that just because you think she’s cute and you’re having  a good conversation that she thinks you’re cute, too.  Look for her body language.  Is she crossing her arms?  Is she touching your arm to demonstrate a point? Is she laughing, playing with her hair, or touching her neck? Does she keep glancing away at what’s going on in the rest of the bar? If her body language is closed, EVEN IF the conversation is great, she’s almost always not interested.

Now, some girls will mislead you.  They’ll be really flirty, when they’re really not interested at all.  This is because it makes them feel attractive and confident to get you interested in them. Or they could be flirty because they are oblivious and think they’re just being friendly.  Either way, that’s the girl’s problem. She’ll have to disappoint you later and you shouldn’t feel stupid or bad about it.

What happens in #3 should affect #4. If you’re feeling her and she’s sending you good signs, then go for it.  If you’re looking for a hookup, start with the casual brushing of the hands and take it from there.  If you’re looking for more, get her number, friend her on facebook the next day and include a message in the friendship request. And remember, you may want a hook up but she may want a relationship or she may want a hook up and you may want a relationship…so sometimes even though that chemistry is there, the two of you may want different things at that point in time.

To the gents who think it’s a good idea to keep coming back after the two of you have parted ways: STOP.  If you didn’t close after #3, it’s because you’re not interested or she’s not.  And if it’s not you…you do the math. One of my friends always attracts guys like this.  She talks to them, it’s over, and the guy still holds out hope and keeps coming back to talk to her.  It’s ridiculous. Don’t be so desperate that you blind yourself to the signs.

This advice it true for everyone, in every circumstance in life: don’t be so desperate that you blind yourself to the signs.  But we all do it anyway.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Dear Ariela: hitting on girls

  1. smg

    wow so many memories of your trip here popping up.

    there’s one point i’d like to argue- i would never want a guy who i’ve just met and am interested in romantically to find me on facebook (and vice versa). at least in my opinion, facebook is not a dating tool. i think it’s also a cop-out. just get my number and call, easy as that.

  2. Sean

    Well played this post.

    Bookmarking!

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