I apologize for the lack of posting. 2 weeks is too long! It’s downright shameful.
The truth is, I’ve wanted to blog about so many things that either lost their relevance very quickly or are not enough of thoughts to constitute an entire post.
Why don’t I tell you a little story?
On Wednesday night, I went to a happy hour planned by one of the local Jewish young adults groups. As I was walking in, the guy (let’s call him one of the most non-Jewish names I know–James–so that no one has a clue as to who he is) walking in front of me did a double-take when he looked back at me and throughout the night I saw him looking at me a few more times. He never came up and talked to me but by the end of the night we ended up in the same circle and as I was leaving James said to me, “So did I hear correctly that you work at the JCC and are planning an event?”
“Yes,” I said, unsure that I had been talking about this near him.
“Here’s my card,” he offered. “Email me the invitation so that I could come.”
I knew exactly what he was doing, and to be honest, I thought it was pretty smooth. This way he didn’t come on too strong yet still showed interest, and gave me the freedom to decide if I wanted to provide him with an opportunity to ask me out.
So that night I emailed him the invitation and said, “Smooth move. Will you come on the 3rd?”
In his response email he asked me to dinner.
Thus began a long sequence of emails back and forth planning this date. I was a little weary because, starting with his first email, it became apparent that he didn’t read my emails carefully, nor had he read over his own. He had several typos including writing “I’m” when he meant to write “Am,”* he asked me some questions that were answered in the e-invite, and when I told him I was only free after 8 on Tuesday, he wanted to pick me up at 7:30. None of these things are big deals in and of themselves, but it shows me that he’s not treating the date as anything important. And if I’m not important now, then how unimportant would I be 1 year in?
I asked a coworker if she knew him and she said yes, and when I told her that we had a date on Tuesday she said, “Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”
I said, “I don’t think so…”
“Well they must have broken up. I know he was with her for a while but that was a few months ago.”
So, naturally, I asked if she could show me his facebook profile so we could investigate his relationship status. Then my coworker said that they weren’t facebook friends anymore. Well that’s strange. After pleading with her, I finally got her to tell me why that was, and although nothing he did was all that bad–some of it involved texting her for no purpose rather late at night for someone with a girlfriend–it did send up red flags.
After this conversation, I really wasn’t looking forward to the date. I’ve learned to listen to red flags and they were gleaming right in my face as if I was a toro. But I still thought I should give him a chance because, as my coworker pointed out, people change.
Last night I saw an acquaintance who I thought might know James, so I asked her and she said she did. I told her about the date on Tuesday and how I wanted to know what she thought of the guy and she says, “Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”
“DOES HE?” I yelled. Ok, this is looking to be more than a red flag.
“I think he does,” she said. “I saw them a few weeks ago and they were definitely together then and they were grinding on the dance floor of the YAD party only a month and a half ago.”
“What! Are you facebook friends with him?”
“I think I am. Let’s see if they’re still together.”
She gets out her iPhone and looks James up on facebook and it says “In a relationship with Christine Smith.**”
I couldn’t believe it! Why on earth would James not think I would find out about this?
I didn’t know how to confront him about it, but my sister, ever the problem-solver, had a very good suggestion.
To my surprise, he had enough balls to respond and wrote 20 minutes later:
Looks bad I know, I should have told you. Thing is, it looks like she and me are about to break-up. Guess I should have waited till things officially are finished to ask u out. I’m really sorry
Yup, guess you should have!
And this is why you should always heed red flags.
*yes, I see no reason not to expect someone to check his spelling when asking me out.
**All names have been changed.