Forgive me for not writing in a while; I have been incredibly busy planning the film festival.
I’ve been feeling an inner struggle I’ve felt for the past 15 years to various degrees. The struggle is between doing what everyone else is doing and doing what I want to do. I suppose everyone feels this struggle to a certain extent, but I’ve been feeling it lately.
Let me be more concrete. I like doing my own thing. I like having my own interests and opinions. But sometimes you need people to want to do what you want to do. And if you’ve spent a lot of time away from the group, they won’t want to follow you. Actually, even if I did always stick to the group, they probably wouldn’t follow me anyway.
In high school, I ran for student council a few times and never won. I decided that the students did not want me was their leader. For some reason, people usually like me but they don’t really want to follow me. This is only a problem when I want to be followed. Which I have wanted recently, while planning a young adults event as part of the film festival.
Here I had planned this outdoor screening at a downtown trendy space in Houston, a screening of a film with an Oscar nominated actor “on the rise,” and I thought it would be a no-brainer. But no one was all that excited about going. Were I a leader, people would have signed up just because I asked them to. All of a sudden the extent of my emotional investment in the success of the screening hit me, and I felt personally rejected along with my project.* Why don’t I have that leadership quality?
Furthermore, is this something I can learn or acquire? Or was I born without it and that’s that? I just want to know why people don’t think the things I think are cool are cool. I know I’m not a loser but I at least wish I were one of those off-kids whose weirdness only made them more popular.
And that’s where my other side kicks in: I don’t really care about being popular. Or at least, I’d rather pursue my own interests if I had to make a choice between popularity and self-determination. I actually loathe the politics and slavery involved in doing something in order to fit in.
And thus the inner struggle. Ultimately, it is probably more of my nature to air on the side of self-determination. Maybe one day I’ll get some popularity for it.
*It’s worth noting that I now expect a large turnout Thursday night.