I’ve been reading up on what guys refer to as “game,” and if you’re older than 50 and don’t know what “game” is, it’s incredibly overanalyzed yet successful strategizing for picking up women.
It’s not that I necessarily disagree with what these pickup artists profess. I’m somewhat put off by the whole thing because it makes me feel manipulated–how many times have I fallen victim to an elaborate scheme a guy took straight from a book or blog? But at the same time, when isn’t life about “manipulating” people?
All the stuff I read mostly sounds bad because of the language the men use to talk about women. Women are often graded on a scale of 1 to 10, their status level is a prominent consideration, and the whole thing is regarded as an economic interaction. It is the very definition of objectification. I mean, there’s no way around objectification when you reduce human interaction to a formula.
I’m sure that some of the time, their strategies work. Everyone likes to have to work for it, people want what they can’t have, surprises interest us, etc. So it really isn’t about the truthfulness of the advice; I’m sure there’s something to it. It’s really more about these men who are putting themselves through such contrived behavior, just to get a girl. It’s so self-afflictedly constrictive and sad. And while you might assume that all they care about is getting ass, it really seems like a good number of them truly are looking for more than that. These poor guys.
Can’t we all just be free? If you want something or feel something, I’m usually in favor of expressing it. The actor in me rebels against society’s pressures to conform to a standard of false apathy and control. Reading these elaborate plans for what to do in this situation and what to do in that situation, how carefully a guy is supposed to hide his true pain/embarrassment/nervousness, I am struck by the tragic lengths men will go to to be successful with women (however they define that success).* It’s unhealthy to turn what is supposed to be an exciting, emotional interaction into a scientific analysis.
Am I so naive as to think men don’t need all these rules? I am limited to my own experience, but I honestly think that ultimately, no amount of manipulation could trick me into liking a guy. Trick me into a date, yes. Two or three dates, yes. Maybe a little making out. But ULTIMATELY, if it’s not there, it’s not there. Which is exactly why I just think people should be themselves. The best version of yourself, of course, if it’s your first time meeting someone. But it just doesn’t seem worth it to me to trouble yourself trying desperately to stay cool and a borderline jerk, when in the end you still don’t get the girl. And if all you want is action, you can get it pretty easily without game (but I guess pickup artists would argue that you’d have to settle for a 5 or a 6…and if you, as a guy, happen to BE a 5 or a 6, then I don’t see what the big deal is! This is a major pet peeve of mine: ugly men who have hotty taste).
The process becomes more consuming than the end-result, and that doesn’t seem like the right focus to me. Anyone worthwhile can see through phoniness, and furthermore, if at some point it’s no longer phony and you’ve actually adopted the asshole, ingenuine, apathetic qualities this game theory encourages, why the hell would you want to adopt a model that in fact makes you a worse human being?
When you put all the occasional misogyny aside, the common thread in all this literature is a whole bunch of men who desperately want love. Well, if not love, sex. But either way, they find it to be a struggle! As a woman, this is very enlightening. I think we women grow up feeling like the men have all the power in the dating game, and from what I’ve read, it is exactly the opposite. These sites also suggest that there is a modern phenomenon at play…that feminism/sexual freedom have really given men a run for their money and have made the women pickier and single longer. So that’s good news for me!
It’s also very interesting for me, as someone who thinks a lot about such things, to see that men, who too often say women “think too much” and are “more complicated than men” clearly think about this A LOT. Books and movies and blogs and comments and news articles A LOT. I don’t know how true this is, but women are just better at intuiting chemistry and connection…maybe that’s why men have turned love into a formula and women haven’t. We just feel it.
*I’m sure evolution had a hand in this fortitude.