I now live in Los Angeles, California with three men (or boys) in their mid-twenties.
It’s challenging. First of all, I’ve abandoned all aspirations to have a well-decorated and clean home. Second of all, I find myself reverting back to a college mentality of drinking every weekend.
Third of all, SEX.
The sex-drive of the male is no myth. I already knew that they think about, want, and have sex. What I didn’t understand about it was that it’s a modus operandi.
It is the journey and the destination. Very few factors get in the way of sex.
For them, a sexual partner qualifies if she is female and not too fat. If the person achieves any greater markers of attraction, it’s a sweet bonus.
Whereas a woman will refrain from or be disappointed by sex if she’s not over her ex, men purposefully engage in sex as a way to distract themselves from their pain. In this situation, sex is a coping tool for men. It has the opposite effect on women because women want sex to be intimate.
I know sex can be intimate for men, too, but what I’ve learned is that they don’t need it to be. For men, it can be just physical and still be satisfying.
I have been called out by men who say that a girl could just want to fool around, too. And while that is true, what these men are missing is that a psychologically stable woman still wants an intimate experience. She doesn’t just want to get it in and then leave. She wants to feel like she shared something with someone; she wants a bonding experience, even if it is brief.
I’ve always admired the men, usually great writers and artists, who value the traits that make women women; men who appreciate women for all the qualities men lack. I’ve always wanted to feel the same way about men. And I do admire their risk-taking, their drive to protect and to succeed. But I really can’t admire a disinterest in intimacy and the blindness to the humanity in the women who serve their sexual needs.
I will note that I believe this issue to be particular to American males; anecdotally, men from other Western countries are less afraid of the logistics of an intimate yet brief encounter.
To be clear, (American) men are ultimately looking for a partner. It’s not that they have no interest in intimacy, it’s just that they are very cautious about who to give it to. That’s why as an American woman, I’ve often found myself hoping that I’ll be the one who the guy finally grows up for, I’ll be the one who he’ll risk being intimate with. There’s something good in there, if I could just lure it out…I don’t known if other women have had that thought.
I hope I never have it again. If it’s gotten to that point, then I already have my answer. Unlike the scenario in a Hollywood romantic comedy, it’s not my job to get you to change your ways and treat me well. I’m here to be respected from day 1.
Living with guys has taught me that that’s not easy to find, but that’s ok. It’s worth my wait.
*I can only speak about heterosexual men because my roommates are heterosexual and most of my interactions with men are with heterosexuals.