Recently, I found myself in a room with two men I don’t find attractive and to whom I’m attracted.
When I spoke to one, I wanted to be speaking to the other. When either of them was speaking to someone else, I wanted him to be speaking to me.
I am drawn to their intellect, their eye contact, their unique and starkly opposed personhoods. I am not confident that I would enjoy kissing them and I want them to want to kiss me.
Nice to meet you, I’m a woman, and the laws of attraction live largely in a shade of grey.
Grey is an infrequent color for me; usually I live in black or at least charcoal, or maybe a nice icing-inspired, incandescent white.
Grey confuses me, especially when it presents itself simultaneously and surrounding two completely different people. I couldn’t get enough but I had had quite enough. It was very difficult to keep my options open with both of them present while knowing that I would inevitably opt out.
The circumstances of the evening left me feeling guilty, dissatisfied, jealous, selfish, and excited. Talking to each of them excited me, and so did the anxiety of the entire situation. I want to have my cake and eat it too, but I know that that’s unfair, and I also know that the cake won’t taste a good as I imagine it to taste. Yet I still didn’t want either of them to withdraw his cake because he saw that I found the other’s just as appealing.
I connect to both of them in profound ways and I am struck by their incredible individuality. I want to honor how special they are with a desire that matches it. I lack such a desire but I enjoy the fantasy of its possibility, and I think they enjoy the fantasy, too.